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Money & Finances

Financial stress is considered one of the three main areas of disharmony for couples (along with communication and conflict).  It can be a major reason for arguments and even relationship breakdown.  There are usually deeper emotional reasons that contribute to the conflict.  When couples explore these areas they often find a way of working together to handle the issues more harmoniously.  People often have different value systems around finances.  These can be brought forward from their parents’ and families’ views on spending or saving.  Sometimes people have very strongly held views on how they manage their money and find it difficult to see how it can be done any other way.  This can create conflict and criticism within a relationship.

More often than not it is more important how couples discuss money matters than the financial situation itself.  You don’t necessarily have to be in debt for money to come between you.  Learning how to listen respectfully to the other person’s opinions about money management and finances is essential in order to work together in a creative way.  Finding ways that allow both people to feel validated and important in the decision-making process is a desirable outcome for most couples.

Honest & Open Communication

Bringing your financial conflicts and upsetting feelings to us here at Reconnect Couples Therapy is a positive move.  We can help you gain clarity and perspective on these issues.  As one couple said, the cost per week of couples counselling can seem quite expensive, but not when compared with the financial and emotional cost of the breakdown of a relationship and family.

We are not financial advisers, but we can help you explore your relationship with money and each other in order for you be more harmonious in your money matters.  Honesty and open communication are essential for a good relationship, and so too with money.  Having regular “money dates” can be a useful way of seeing how the money is doing and also create space to connect.  Chatting with each other and setting short and long-term goals can also help put a shape on what your shared money arrangements might be.  It’s good to talk and dream together.

Conflict

Conflict can be a healthy source of insight and relational growth.  In couples therapy the function of conflict is to seize the opportunity to create healing, growth and greater connection.  Conflict is inevitable, it alerts the couple to the presence of hurt and vulnerability.  When marriage/relationships fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause, it is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness.  Conflict can put a halt to emotional growth, leaving couples feeling devastated, or it can be a window into intimacy and reconnection.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.  I’ll meet you there”  Rumi

It’s not unusual for couples to arrive into therapy soon after an argument, or having maintained a hostile silence for many days.  Some couples turn up worn out and distraught from their conflict.  The constant bickering and disharmony in their relationship is exhausting.  Couples can become very entrenched in their negative cycles of conflict.  An example of this is a couple with a “Demand-Withdrawal” pattern.  Demand is experienced as criticism and attack, while withdrawal is experienced as avoidance and not responding.  Some couples attempt to bury conflict and deny its existence.  For other couples, the conflict escalates, which can lead to emotional recklessness and regrettable negative behaviours (such as criticism, put downs, insults, not listening, name calling, or intimidation).

Unresolved conflict festers like an untreated wound and keeps you distanced from the one that matters most.  Instead of turning towards each other you turn away from each other.  When couples fight they get defensive and critical of each other and don’t recognise what core feelings are fuelling the argument.